dear neocities,

i've been sleeping quite poorly in the last few days. sleeping either at 4 am, plus naps midday wherever possible. 

actually, i think i've been sleeping between 1 and 4 am every night for the last few months. i attribute this to a number of sleep-depriving life choices such as being a barista, being in a band, getting into web design, and being a general screenager. downing all the shots during dialing, making coffee and drinking monster to finish our EP, staying up doing outfit photoshoots and collages, etcetera.

i've also had nyctophobia and a pretty bad paranoia ever since february of this year. this is something of a secret, but every since i saw the movie obsession, i have slept with lights on every night and genuinely loathe being alone at night or in dark spaces. i always fear that a neighbor or family member is possessed and trying to kill me. it's pretty stupid, but it's a genuine, gripping fear.

the sleep loss hasn't been bothering so much. my energy fluctuates a lot, but it isn't necessarily unpredictable. neither is it too difficult to react to said fluctuations. the paranoia hasn't been too bad either because i've been able to control my conditions - i don't go out late and i always have my light on.

and at least i'm not going downstairs at night for really late meals anymore...

i've also been working more! i'm finally on the schedule, so i've been doing more shifts as a barista in training at my new workplace. these last few days i've met a few new coworkers (names altered): Dee, Ess, Elle, and Ole. and of course, the coffeemaster who is training me, Dev, as well as the two co-owners who, for the sake of posterity, i will refer to as Tea and Grim.

(i never anonymized names like this when i used to blog on spacehey because i was more confident that very few people, certainly not anyone to be concerned about, would read them. this neocities is to become my main hub and discography, so i'm making an effort to conceal names and locations.)

Dev is a pretty awesome motherfucker, not to glaze too hard. he's very intentional about everything he does and sticks to making high-quality, authentic choices. for example, the way we do our coffee. also for example, the clothes he wears. Dev is also millenial as heck, but it can be funny and he's aware of it. he's an extremely patient dude and a great teacher, and also a joy to talk to about basically anything. he's got a pretty good taste in music as well, as in many other things.

Dee is the chillest person on the team and 2nd place isn't even close. he's laid-back, a bit quieter, and well-spoken, like Dev. he can be pretty funny too.

Ess is the most funny human on the team. an almost obnoxiously funny dude in his early 20s whose ceaseless yapping makes every shift way better. sadly, he doesn't work weekdays.

Ole is sweet, funny, and sarcastic. english isn't her native language, so she's got this cool accent, but more importantly, a devastating knack for sarcasm and jokes. like, you absolutely wouldn't expect it and then bam. she's also into painting, was a tattoo artist, and did visuals for noise and experimental music. i'll have to talk to her about my album covers in the future. 

Tea does not seem very put together but she also seems to run the logistics of the whole store. she's kinda silly, i don't take her super seriously but she's also my boss so i do respect her like one.

Grim is cool, haven't gotten to talk to him a whole lot yet. but i have ideas for this place, like art exhibits, an art wall, more music stuff, a better playlist, etcetera, and he's gonna be the one i talk to for that.

and then there's me. tomorrow i'm pulling up to work in the leather chaps. all black, my guilty pleasure color scheme.

anyways,

some important stuff:

• been spending a lot of time ingesting wikipedia pages for socialism and political-economic philosophies.
• starting to like the sound of democratic socialism but i haven't sat down and hashed it out yet, nor have i done the historical research i've been meaning to do.
• depending on where my personal derivation goes i might join the orange county and/or los angeles DSA.
• finished an outfit photoshoot and collage. printed out 4x6" photos at cvs, cut em out, bought a gardening magazine, and put together some physical collages instead of digital ones.
• wrote some commentaries between each outfit slide.
• stayed up really late thinking about quitting a bunch of projects and stuff to commit more to activism. but decided that art and passion is what the world needs more of. the two don't have to be separate either.
• been crying at night. and feeling more bummed in general, not wanting to do anything, feeling dysphoric, etc.
• i miss my partner a lot. distance is difficult.
• i've also been pushing off my heart hackathon (team project/competition) work for like 2 or 3 weeks now, it's suuuuper bad.
• got the green light from my friend's dad to get sewing machine lessons from him.

tonight i've been cycling through the instruments in my room, improvising pieces on each. i feel a bit better already, less dull. i played some particularly devastating shit on my casio just while exploring the patch library.

i'm not sure what my plans for the rest of tonight are. honestly, i just want to sleep. but i'm far from tired. i'm thinking about playing some roblox (i haven't in forever) or working on this website more.

welp... that's it from me.

goodnight diary.

- francis t.

dear neocities,

it's 8:30. but i am exhausted. i stayed up late last night not working on the outfit photoshoot as promised, but rather, completing the neocities tutorials on html and css (very helpful, though i skipped most of the html ones since they were kinda intuitive). i was just too tired.

currently running on 0 mg caffeine, but i've got my laptop brightness and LED keys on max, so i can irradiate my eyeballs with blue light.

now i've got my diary entries in little boxes that you can click on, which open up to reveal the content of the entry. yay!

i've also organized the actual html and css nicely with annotations to help future me make any changes.

i still need to figure out how to make different pages that you can navigate between. i might have to steal code (jegg if you're reading this... you might be my first victim). before that, though, i'll try my hand at learning it myself.

anyhow,

i'm tired. i spent the last few hours trying to work on some recently recorded music. but, i got stuck, and didn't end up actually recording anything. maybe i'll work on that more tomorrow.

today i:

• got up around 9:30
• put away some clothes, texted my partner.
• put on my bum outfit.
• gathered my instruments together and packed them into the car
• i met with someone whom i admire and who i think admires me as well. his name is jack, and goes by the artist name eggs. he's a pretty damn cool dude. he's animating his own show, writing and producing the music for it (as well as doing other solo projects), and has a style i really like - fashion and otherwise.

  we're now making a collaborative duo album together. we began demos for 6 different songs today. we also plan on each covering 3 of each other's songs. and then together also covering a song we both like. in total: 6 tracks written by one but covered in the other's style, 6 tracks written and arranged by both, and then 1 track written by smiling broadly and covered by us.
  
  that last one is your touch freaks me out >_< by smiling broadly. it's the opening track to one my all-time favorite vocaloid albums.

• we then got coffee at around 1:30 and chose to go to my new work place. i unintentionally met the owner too, i.e., my ultra-boss. that reminds me, i have work tomorrow at 8 a.m., so i'd better study the training materials.
  
  at the coffee shop, jack and i doodled lots and decided we'd assign a doodle to each song of the album. and that the album cover would be the two of us in his room with all of our instruments with the 13 doodles laying around.
• we went back to his place to work more on the album and i basically spent like 40 minutes writing and practicing a midwest emo-inspired riff on the banjo.
• i went home, took my instruments back up to my room, tidied the place up again, and showered.
• my partner and i were texting. i really just hope she's doing okay. things have been a lot for her. nonstop, quite like my life. only, pretty different.
• i on/off produced music and texted my partner for the rest of the night. she's cute when she's sleepy...
• i realized i wasn't getting anything done and also ASIO was bugging out like hell so i decided to call it a night, get in bed, and write this blog.

still have a bajillion unread slack messages. i'll be dealing with that tomorrow.

looks like i won't be making time for much reflection in this blog... today is just one of those days of one thing after the next. i'm gonna study the training materials (recipes, expectations, etc.) and try to get ready for my 8 am shift tomorrow... looks like i'm scheduled for just 3 hours.

goodnight diary!!

 

- francis t.

dear neocities,

i am running a stopwatch to rush the process of writing today's entry. because i want to get an outfit photoshoot done in my room tonight, as well as begin re-learning html and building this site's layout. but it's already 10 in the evening.

thoughts scattered
actions rushed
intentions whimsical
fleeting
lacking
depth
i can't think of the right word..... 

i am wondering if the blogging is more important than the doing. because blogging itself, the act of rendering, of thinking, might actually help me straighten out my intentions and priorities.

a voice in my head is pestering me and it's the voice that says "HEY. you haven't checked slack in a week, your progress check report is due friday, and you haven't even ordered the components on amazon OR learned how to sauter or put them together. you've never touched an arduino in your life. how are you building a coupled inductor WPT system in 2 days. wtf francis. this is gonna be your job, at least on paper. FOCUS ON SCHOOL." 

not to mention the fact that, this is indeed one of my passion projects. building a total artificial heart was something i kinda just got roped into because it seemed like a new, budding school project that i could use to show off, express myself, demonstrate my ability to do research and design. but now it's something i'm proud of, a part of my identity, and a bragging right. plus genuinely i've learned so much and it's quite fun even i need like 2 pounds of gummy bears to get through a grind sess.

i love it, but right now, i love music and art and fashion and content creation so much more. because this is my world, my home planet.

i need to learn to love the process? the process of studying learning researching.. "locking in"... maybe.... 

i've always been so ambivalent on academics. the world of processing, analyzing, translating, applying, experimenting, etc.... even stuff like math classes are just intrinisically awesome to me. but FUCK. the piano is right there... and when i wake up, i have so many options, so many passion projects, why pick the one i feel is most annoying...

maybe though it would be the most rewarding.

anyways.

you see what's happened to my brain?

i'm so centered on all the shit i wanna do. 

that it's all i think about, all my emotions revolve around, all i base my worth on, all i'm proud of, all i want to write about. 

i'm never doing enough, i'm always behind somewhere, i'm simultaneously always making progress, always have something to be proud of, but brain doesn't stay proud for too long.

tangible output means good day.

grind without output is maybe a good day, if i loved the process.

no grind is bad day. even if "no grind" is introspection, toying with boredom, spending time with people, or completing my dailies on a roblox arcade shooter.

the grindset... it's a curse.. toxic productivity... 

but this isn't even just toxic. this is existential, like, i am method acting a factory machine and too stockholmed to stop.

maybe it's systemic... i don't have much choice. after all, i just wanted to do the stuff i love, and have something to show for it. and also have the security of getting a job... in something i'm passionate about (bioengineering) but more secure than my other passions (music art fashion).

RAA and at the same time, i detest it... i detest squandering my time energy mind into being a really good cog in the biotech wheel of the factory which is this country.

or maybe i'm letting my mental representations get too far... 

comments, clichés, commentary, controversy
chatter, chit-chat, conversation, contradiction, criticism

it's all talk

elephant talk

moving on...

today i:

• got up at 9:30
• the rest of the day was sophisticated procrastination: instead of doing my TAH project, i...
• did the dishes
• took lots of bags to my car
• took my sister to the gym
• stopped by the thrift to drop off the bags of stuff
• stopped by home depot for sink and shower strainers so i can stop pouring hair into my drains
• stopped by the grocery for a matcha brush but i guess matcha hasn't gotten far enough to be carrier in regular american groceries
• picked my sister up from the gym
• listened to a friend's (?) music during the car. been playing one of his albums on loop lately, it's called Spoken in Dreams by eggs. aka jack. reminder for future me to come up with stuff to talk about with him tomorrow. tomorrow i'm hanging out with him to hopefully become better friends and also like do music stuff.
• went home and spent a few hours learning and recording a piano cover of another friend's song, Better Friend by babethoven. aka andre. i think i spent way too much time on this random sidequest, especially because i only did it to support him after he posted reel saying "cover this song if you can cuz it's hard!" 
• edited and posted that jawn. i ought to do more piano covers in the future, especially of music that my friends make.
• haha. new gimick. notes for future me are highlighted and colored in.
• went to the gym. did push, pull, and core today. it feels good to go to the gym when you're feeling shitty about your progress / productivity / priorities. because you can exert yourself physically and restore that feeling of progress.
• progress really is just a feeling. sam harris would say, it's a judgement, a thought, an appearance in consciousness, like a sound or a touch.
• went home. hung out with my sister and parents before dinner. basically just went on my phone and haggled with my band about what our debut EP's album cover. and also started reading the training documents sent over by the coffeemaster at my work.
• dinner was very yummy. rice and stewed pork/tofu with stir fry bok choy... and watermelon. grateful to have asian parents who can cook very, very well.
• listened to some gershwin with my sister. compared a modern and original rhapsody in blue recordings. i said the modern version lacks the sauce. she then showed me an american in paris, which made me tear up (it was my first listen okay don't judge)
• edited the photo that everyone else was agreeing on using to make it look not so edited. here's how it turned out:
  
  

 

• now i fear it just looks a bit obvious i took it into a drawing app and drew in the iris. but whatever.
• writing this blog. it's been 44 minutes. 

i'm tired and my head aches. but i want to do an outfit photoshoot so i can begin the collage for it soon. hopefully i can get a substantial number of outfits in tonight.

reminder for future me to listen to my recorded conversations with blake, do some thinking, and write a report here on my current thoughts on the totalitarian capitalist bullshittery system................. raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa......... 

so much i want to do.. so tired..

but gotta keep going, if i want to have it all. and i do, i think.. 

maybe that's my issue. i want to have it all. and i miss my partner like hell too. god if i start writing about her i might be here for another hour... 

okkkaaay that's enough from me.

goodnight diary!! ..

 

- francis t.

dear neocities,

that rolls off the fingertips quite refreshingly. no longer "dear spacehey" or "dear diary."  i've migrated.

i like that word.

an arctic tern along its flyway crash landing on the other end of earth. migration... to a more habitable space, lest i freeze to death.

the reason for the migration is to have a cleaner, less social-media oriented site to blog on. i mean, this is literally my own static html page, though i am thinking of adding some kind of interactive element on here, like a forum or comment section.

annnnd it looks like i'm going to be using an online text to html converter because, as things stand, i don't have the time to be writing out <p> and </p> in every line break and looking up the html translations for symbols and characters.

also, i apologize for the crappy visuals. we're running default css for now because i don't have the time to personalize my neocities quite yet... just gotta write.

today i: 

• got up at 10:30 because i slept at 5 last night. was busy editing a video i made detailing my amateur recipe for ca phe trung. it's a somewhat amusing start to my barista career.
• hung out with my sister for a bit. she made me breakfast and helped me put away dishes. we talked about music and i showed her my band's EP.
• dressed myself for the day.
• met with my friend blake at 1. we resumed our prior conversation on the conduciveness of the american superstructure with human follies of greed, anxiety, and sociopathy. i'll provide more detailed notes on this later. today, i brought up a discussion i had with my friend jake the night prior. much much more on this later when i have the time and energy to write extensively.
• we went thrifting at 3. the moment i enter a thrift store i am a different beast. first of all, i am much more ragebaity and talkative and annoying. but i'm also very encouraging when i thrift with others. like blake would pick out a shirt and regardless of what the actual shirt looked like i spat copious bars on how good he looked in it. anyhow, i like to follow whoever else i'm with around and help them thrift, because i have enough clothes as is and am really only scanning for rare statement pieces. then jake pulled up a little late and i threw a random plush i found in the store at him. 
• for a brief moment i just now debated the use of my gen z slang in these blogs. i've decided to express myself however i want and the more i read/write the more the poetry and vocabulary will show.
• at 5 i got home and changed into a more gender-neutral outfit to enter my house.
• i had to clean out my car and help my dad take something to UPS. got grilled... anxiety inducing, childhood reminiscient. this reminds me: one of my friends, jax, i've seen him actively rebel against his mom in matters like chores or having the bandmates over. it's admirable to me.. but also just. a different world.
• family went and got dinner. thai. yum. frickin delish. i was tired ash though and my sister's on her period so we were kinda pissy at first but i brought my mini sketchbook and she helped me practice a miku so it was chill.
• got home. texted my partner a bit. i miss her. and then cleaned my room for like 2 or 3 hours. removing stuff so i have room to store the junk that i'm planning on collaging/upcycling. it was getting too cluttered for even me.
• showered, folded laundry. scheduled a time to hang out with someone this thursday to write a collab album with them.
• debated what to do with this tired time. for the last week or two, i had been spending my days and nights with my bandmates because we had to finish our EP by yesterday night. so now that i'm back in my room, alone, i'm having trouble remembering where i left off.
• i never really "left off," life isn't just split into phases like that.
• decided to do this when i checked spacehey and realized all my friends migrated off of it.
• lastly, a frequent thought, though one i usually ignore: in this ceaseless movement am i really enriching myself? eh. probably..

 

alright. i'm falling asleep.. looks like i'll be skipping my daily meditation today.. again.. also the teethbrushing.. fuck.. i really need to get on those..

also, i do want to archive my prior works (spacehey blogs, instagram posts, etc.) on here somewhere, make this my main website through which i am rendered myself.

waaaaaa

goodnight, neocities..

francis out